Let's speak of Kurt Cobain and his experience in this crazy universe. Let's do my take on it at least. The first thing I want to get clear about is this. I was not the same age group as Generation X. I was older and oh my gawd, how Generation X loved to ram that fact home. Seeing as how Generation X thought that anyone over 30 was OLD, well, I was so certainly aware of my age and how I wasn't supposed to like them. But dammit I liked Nirvana and I liked Kurt Cobain and I liked their damn music! I even found myself letting my nail polish get chipped in keeping with the "grunge look" and I thought it looked cool at least for awhile. And, I liked Courtney Love as well. I thought she was cool being so outspoken. I loved the thrift store clothes thing and lots of lipstick, being really feminine and big veins and the like. I liked her music. So, yes, even though Kurt, Courtney and Nirvana were "Generation X" and not my generation, I liked them. If the truth be told, I envied them. I love Washington, Seattle, the Pacific Northwest. I have been there many times and I never wanted to leave. I loved the darkness and the constant rain. I was in my element, and then my parents would tear me away and make me go home, to Texas. Crap. I would have felt honored to suffer in Seattle, pine away in Puyallup, tool around in Tacoma or slip into madness in Snohomish. I mean after all, wasn't that really what it was all about? Suffering? Madness? So, let's talk about Kurt shall we?

Bless his heart, Kurt had so many planets and shit in Pisces, it's no wonder he ended up on the business end of a gun. This guy bled. Bled, and it manifested itself in his digestive tract and his screeching. We need only to listen to Kurt's lyrics about "cherry flavored antacids" to know he was suffering. As Kurt described a typical day - he woke up, vomited, tried to eat a little something, vomited, tried to eat again at least a couple more times and vomited at least for, well, the rest of the day. I don't care what anyone says about Kurt being a spoiled brat, if you had that kind of day every day and lived in that sort of constant pain, well, money just don't take care of that shit. The doctors couldn't find out what was wrong with him either. It's hard to diagnose when someone is eating his heart out. As he referred to his feelings in his suicide note, Kurt just felt too damn much. And to make matters worse, Kurt walked down the walk of fame and when he got there, he hated it. Here he had become "the voice" of a troubled generation. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" became an anthem of the troubled Generation X. Kurt's "style" became grunge. It was cool to be dirty and dress in old and torn clothing. What no one under 18 realized was that Kurt was poor having lived on the streets. These were the only clothes he had. And the hypocrisy! Kurt found it very hard to live with the hypocrisy. Everyone admired, even revered Kurt as a leader of his generation when only he knew that he was really a rat, a liar, a thief. Kurt wrote of this in his lyrics, "I'm a liar and a thief." Then to make matters worse, Kurt didn't realize that with each little thing he accomplished in his music career, he was ripping away little pieces of his personal freedom. As time went on, Kurt felt more and more trapped. He couldn't go to the store and buy his smokes. He couldn't hang out and watch his favorite bands. Kurt couldn't do any of the stuff that he used to be able to do when he first started making his music. Kurt was not having 100% fun. In short, he was miserable.

The problem at this point too was that Kurt was making more problems for himself. Kurt and Courtney married after having a real cool courtship. I mean when they first encountered each other, they ended up rolling around on the floor trying to beat the shit out of each other. Now, isn't that love? Isn't it? It is in my book. Kurt was SO attracted to Courtney! Courtney looked just like Nancy Spungeon! I mean WOW! Nancy Spungeon! What better role model could you have?! For those of you that don't keep up with such important things, Nancy Spungeon was the true love of my favorite and yours, Sid Vicious of the Sex Pistols. WOW! Love that! But I dare say, Courtney was famous first. She did everything before Kurt did. Courtney was in the movie "Sid and Nancy" and she was good. Courtney already had a CD in the making. Courtney had lived overseas for a bit. So, yes, Kurt was impressed and in love. Everything rocked on for the love birds and then Courtney was pregnant and had a wonderful little girl who looks just like her daddy. Then the nastiness began in earnest. Children Services was trying to take their little girl away and did for awhile. They accused Courtney of doing drugs while she was pregnant. Long story short, they got their girl back but Kurt was falling deeper and deeper into drug use and clinical depression. He was feeling low, low, low and probably over-medicating himself with heroin and the like. Kurt cried a lot and bathed very little.

Anyway, life was a zoo and Kurt was finding it harder and harder to cope. Kurt was becoming very unstable, using more drugs and in constant pain. He was writing lyrics about guns, playing with guns, taking pictures with guns and having someone purchase guns for him. The police were called to his house to remove guns. Kurt spoke about killing himself in interviews, how he just wanted the pain to stop. How since he was going to kill himself anyway, why not just do drugs? And he did, ending up in rehab where from which he bolted.

Suicide. It takes a lot of balls to commit suicide. Sometime in the first week of April 1994, Kurt put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger and thus, killed himself. Oh dear, there went those beautiful blue eyes and all that talent. And the part that really sucks? Kurt laid there for almost 3 days before someone found him. How could that be? He was a famous rock star! How could he just lay there, all alone, cold, dead, for 3 days? That was not supposed to happen. Courtney was devastated as were a lot of people. It was so sad. Sad. What incredible suffering it must have taken to kill himself.

Ok, so my take on all this madness is this. Kurt, if you didn't like the rock star thing, you had only to quit. Just quit. Walk away. And, a shower, Kurt. A shower and fresh new clothes would have been the ticket. Being dirty makes you feel like shit. Just a shower to start with. And don't skip your hair, Kurt. Wash your hair, Kurt! And rest, Kurt, please just get some rest! Why didn't someone love him enough to clean him up and put him to bed? Why wasn't anyone there for him? But I guess at that time, it was way too late for Kurt. Kurt helped himself cross over. That is so sad. Kurt was really suffering and he couldn't help himself. And although we all know he put a screeching halt to the Seattle music scene, I know he is much happier now. On the other side, Kurt can rest and be around others who can help him and love him. Kurt can work on his issues in an environment of love and acceptance. I think he's finally happy -- and loved!

I've included a few pictures of Kurt and Courtney. After all, you don't have one without the other! I've collected the pictures from around the internet and as always, if anyone takes issue with me using a photo, drop me an email and we'll have at it. And thanks to all my spookies for allowing me to spend this time remembering Kurt Cobain. Love and kisses, Janet

Interesting fact: Kurt's suicide note was written to Boddah, his childhood imaginary friend. This is how it was known that the suicide note was in fact written by Kurt Cobain.